舊愛還是最美...

6th, 7th and 8th...

6th
went drinking with friends... drunk but still conscious... still conscious that u are not here anymore... not lying here with me when i feel most vulnerable... u msg me telling me that u are willing to fetch me if i'm not able to drive properly... still remmember the last time i ask u to come fetch me, i've got a good scolding from u... hai... why the sudden change of concern? it just make me sad... its true, only when u lose something then u will realise how important that someone or something is... well anyway, eventhough i really feel like calling u to come fetch me, but i guess i have to be strong this time... its like either i start now or start later... i guess this is a phase in life... a phase where people grow stronger... things that dont kill me only makes me stronger...

7th
went out with u... u still look as stunning and attractive as the first day i met u... everytime i see ur smile, it just reminds me of the time it picked me up with i was down in JC... longer hair, older looks, different dress sense, but the same smile... will i be able to find another one in this sea of people? people are just swimming, i dont know where are they swimming to? anyway, i'm happy we had a drink... i'm happy i've known u all these years... 7 years... its the best i've had... what more can i ask for? without u, i could still be in pits... time for me to crawl out myself now...

8th
slowly, i'm keeping u at a little corner of my heart... like old photographs, i will still take u out from time to time to remind myself of my wonderful teenage life...

caramon says...

This is a tribute to the nice guys.. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and !^!@$ing about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores..

This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support... This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern.. This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl’s every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style..

This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they’re at her door, for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway..

For the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don’t end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.. This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner... And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn’t worry about it..

This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you’d ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world... And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor..

This is also for that time she didn’t have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing “serious” between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: “oh, but we’re just friends!” And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you went anyways. Because you’re nice like that..

The nice guys don’t often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don’t seem to get laid as often as they should.. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can’t.. From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative !^!@$es...

Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as “oh, he’s too nice to date” or “he would be a good boyfriend but he’s not for me” or “he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn’t possibly ask him out!” or the most frustrating of all: “no, it would ruin our friendship.”

Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks.. Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can’t figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I’m going to sleep with this complete ass now!)...

But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn’t last forever... There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single...

So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys... You know who you are, and I know you’re sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile...

For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgement, and my gratitude go out to you... You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming...

5th night...

"when did 'take care' replaced 'i love you'?"... why turn away from what u are feeling? why kill the feeling? or is it already dead?

4th night...

still waiting... and i hope... dont know what to hope for...

third night...

Bee Bee & I still miss you...

2am...

read through all my entries from the first... man, why didnt i notice... u had this feeling since long time ago... all along... i've fail... once again as a bf... thought that this is the only thing that i might get an A in my life... i was wrong... i was forced to drop off the course... therefore i got an Withdrawal... or Did Not Complete... life sux no matter whichever side of the earth the sun is shinning down on... its u all along, its u... its u who are happy that we almost broke off the other time... u came back because u pitied me... i dont need anyone's pity! u are making me feel sick of myself... ARGH!!! i just want to stop thinking about u... stop going through old photographs... stop trying to put my memory in chronological order... stop wanting to remmeber how ur hair smells like... stop thinking about how ur face looked like under the moon light... stop trying to feel how ur skin feels like... stop wanting to hear ur voice, ur laughter, u making urself talk like ur pet, ur footstep... stop my heart from hurting everytime i think about u... stop myself from loving u... i want to stop everything... stop, just stop, just stop, just stop... stop moving, stop breathing, stop hearing, stop seeing, stop feeling... just stop...stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop... stop everything... stop this blog... and delete all my memories... all the pain i'm feeling... just stop... please... make it go away...

second night...

i still wish u were here... its so sad, so sad...

useless

whats the use of showing care and concern after everythings being done. no use... esp since its u who caused it. stop using other people's phone to call me. stop acting to be toh toh when u called me. i actually dont want to ans the call. i answered because the ring was irritating others in the comp lab. if u talk, talk to me as the person u are and stop hiding behind others, coward.

first night...

fuck it...
u are so stupid ray...

thoughts...

"The whole time, smiling on the outside to cover the pain.
But on the inside all he was trying to do was get away."

life, what is life... why are we being put here in this earth? why are we the only animals given the gift of intelligence? is it because we are the chosen one to travel to the far ends of the universe? or what? WHAT??? WHY??? whats the meaning of life? to work, eat, sleep and shit? or for some others it also includes sex. Intelligence has given us the ability to think. to create. to ponder. to solve problems. to do soooo many wonderful things. but at the same time, it is also the root of all problems... "why did it happen to me?" " why is it always me?" "does anyone experience what i've gone through or am i the special one?" and one of my favourite "why life is such a funny thing... first he gives u everything... making u feel like a million bucks... then all of the sudden, when u think of the shit that others or those that u see on TV is going through suddenly happens to u." yes my dear friends... one thing i have learned is that when u think u are bad enough, there is someone else in a more definitely more shittier state that u are. problems problems problems... the only domain in which i dont have problems is on the basketball court. once again, the court has become my refuge. the best thing that i can think of other than alcohol and mahjong. since i dont like to waste money on booze because i'm low enough in that aspect. same as in mahjong. i guess that leaves me with bball... funny thing... i think thats the best thing my brother has given... he has introduced me to basketball. basketball is all about balance. balance balance balance... why life is so full of unbalanced shitty stuffs. give me problems but never give me solutions... i need SOLUTIONS... but some problems are not even my problem... they are others' problems and i have to deal with it... WHY? fuck u cheebye... now... all i want to do is to take whatever remainding money that i've got and leave... just leave... go somewhere... as far away as possible. a place where i dont see, hear, smell, touch and most importantly feel anything. hm... wonder where could that be? well, on the bright side... things that dont kill u only makes u stronger... why am i put into such a torture? but its okay... i'm numb... so many scars are on me that i cant feel anything... scars over scars over scars... mend heal mend heal... ops... just broke up with my gf... hm... i guess being a nice bf aint the winning formula... tried and tested... it doesnt work... so all the guys out there? no need being super nice to ur gf. it doesnt work... not at all. oh well, i guess i havent reach the bottom of this pit yet... plenty more of freefalling to go... back to scars... i was just thinking the other day that all these strong emotions are ingrdients to someone's character. if someone's life is all vanila and nice, then whats the point. been through shit then u will know how does shit taste like... and the more u will appreciate the vanilla ice cream. its not like i dont love my gf... i love her... well, i guess its like that with girls... they just cant make up their mind... they hit everything within themselves. dont like to share. dont like to be open. want to deal with everything themselves. inevitably hurting everyone around them, esp those who are close... since they like to play a one-man-game, go ahead then. want to keep everything to urself and be selfish. dont want to share. forget it then. i think i've tried. then again, maybe its my fault. if its my fault, please someone point out to me. so that i wont make the same mistake again. why do girls always leave me? same thing happens to my first gf. super nice to her, then it just happen. haha... have been told since i was young that if u nice to someone, someone will be nice to u. so who will be nice to me? guess not, but its okay. if thats the lesson life wants to teach me, i will accept it. reciprocal rule doesnt apply to relationship. to gf, to friends to parents to everything. "happily ever after", its just a phrase that only happens in fairy tale. it always ends with happily ever after. why? cause thats what with all relationship, fairy tale in the beginning, but in the end, its always the opposite. but with mr disney being so smart, he wouldnt tell stories with sad endings. sad endings just would sell. at least not to kids. kids always like happy endings. yeah yeah... happen endings only happens in story books and movies. maybe thats why i love watching so much. because it gives a feel good feeling. once the movie ends and i step out of the cinema. *POOF* its back to reality. it hits u like a brick. mr reality will once again remind u that now u are back in the REAL WORLD and nice things like that just dont happen in the real world. i get that feeling everytime after i finish the film. suddenly the lights turn on. the cinema aint dark anymore. u can see everything so clearly. rubbish lying everywhere. the girl who is sitting beside u aint as pretty as the actress in the movie. and u urself aint the hero. no matter what u do, u still wont be able to save the world or stop the bad guy. u are just a nobody. just like the other nobodies in the same dark room. i'm still breathing the stinking hazy air. i'm still listening to 50cents rapping about girls boooze and sex... i guess u have to give it to the man who took a bullet in his face and survive huh... if i take a bullet in my face, i wonder will i be as successful as him... mr panda, i think i will go watch ur webcast now... u are really one of the nicest lecturer i've ever come across... for that sir, i will put in effort in ur module. as for digital signal processing... please, dont blame if the student is lazy... if the student dont see a point in ur module, its partly ur fault for not showing him the objective of the module, why? because who knows best other than the lecturers... i guess, if u dont give ur heart in teaching, i dont give my heart in learning... simple as that... no passion teaching produce students who have no passion in learning... in conclusion, dont give much thoughts about what i've said... its just random thoughts in my little brain when i'm doing nothing... plenty more from where that come from... so people, keep going on with ur materialistic and superficial life... chasing girls, cars, money, fame and power... i understand why... its okay... everyone is doing it, why not u?

Look Mom...

no more toe nail... btw... the auction is still on... can keep as a wonderful relic for years because its made with such good fibres, sure to last longer than the oldest mummy... can use to bluff ur friends too by saying its yours... HA!

toe nail 2...

its coming out now its coming out now!!!

anybody wants to buy my toe nail? going at $1. its very rare to have a toe nail that long u know...

Bee Bee's birthday...

So handsome... dont u think?

toe nail...

OUCH!!! More photos when its off... somehow its still very stubborn and refuse to drop off... pulling it wont help cause it like the whole meat will come out with it if not done properly...