some quotes....

trying to study.... they should really pay me to surf internet.... some quotes i came across.... they are from www.wikiquote.com. quite nice. thought that i share....

I always get the feeling that when lesbians look at me, they're thinking, 'That's why I'm not a heterosexual.' - George Costanza

I've Driven Women to Lesbianism before, but never to a mental institution. - George Costanza

My name is Buck Naked. I'm a porn star. - George Costanza

It's not a lie if you believe it. - George Costanza

Hi, My name is George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents. [Introducing himself to an attractive woman, just after deciding to do everything exactly contrary to his instinct.] - George Costanza

(After getting dumped by a woman) "You're giving me the 'It's not you, It's me' routine? I invented the 'It's not you, it's me'. If it's anyone, It's me!" - George Costanza

(Cheesy music in the background) Believe it or not, George isn't at home. Please leave a message at the beep. I must be out, or I'd pick up the phone. Where could I be? Believe it or not, I'm not home. [George's Answering Machine] - George Costanza

Well, birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year's gone by and how little we've grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, with each flicker of the candles on the cake we know it's not to be. That for the rest of our sad, wretched, pathetic lives, this is who we are to the bitter end. Inevitably, irrevocably. Happy birthday? No such thing. - Jerry Seinfeld

A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking. - Jerry Seinfeld

A dog will stay stupid. That's why we love them so much. The entire time we know them, they're idiots. Think of your dog. Everytime you come home , he thinks it's amazing. He has no idea how you accomplish this every day. You walk in the door, the joy of this experience overwhelms him. He looks at you, "He's back, it's that guy, that same guy." He can't believe it. Everything is amazing to your dog. "Another can of food? I don't believe it." - Jerry Seinfeld

A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it. - Jerry Seinfeld

I read a thing that actually speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. I found that amazing - number two was death! That means to the average person if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy. - Jerry Seinfeld

Are there keys to a plane? Maybe that's what those delays are sometimes, when you're just sitting there at the gate. Maybe the pilot sits up there in the cockpit going, "Oh, I don't believe this. Dammit..I did it again." They tell you it's something mechanical because they don't want to come on the P.A. system, "Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to be delayed here on the ground for a while. I uh..Oh, God this is so embarrassing... I, I left the keys to the plane in my apartment. They're in this big ashtray by the front door. I'm sorry, I'll run back and get them." - Jerry Seinfeld

Can't we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why don't they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu? - Jerry Seinfeld

Dating is pressure and tension. What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference between a date and a job interview is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it— "Well, Bill, the boss thinks you're the man for the job. Why don't you strip down and meet some of the people you'll be working with?" - Jerry Seinfeld

Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? "Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a danish!" - Jerry Seinfeld

Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge? - Jerry Seinfeld

Dogs have no money. Isn't that amazing? They're broke their entire lives. But they get through. You know why dogs have no money? —No Pockets. - Jerry Seinfeld

Dogs want to be people. That's what their lives are about. They don't like being a dog. They're with people all the time, they want to graduate. My dog would sit there all day, he would watch me walk by, he would think to himself, "I could do that! He's not that good."That's why the greatest, most exciting moment in the life of a dog is the front seat of your car. You and him in the front seat. It's the only place where your head and his are on the exact same level. He sits up there, he thinks, "This is more like it. you and me together, this is the way it should be." He looks out the front. "What's he looking at? He's a dog. What are you going to make— a right or a left? I don't even know where I am."They have a hard time. They stand up, they sit down, they can't handle the turn either way. No matter which way you turn, he's not ready. They don't know what to do. And then comes the great moment of frustration. You stop someplace and get something to eat. This kills him. You get a hamburger, this blows his mind. "Instant food whenever you want it?" You know what this means to him? You ever see the look on his face? He looks over at you. "How'd you get that? Are they giving it to everybody now? You think I could get one?" They can't get anything. - Jerry Seinfeld

I am so busy doing nothing that the idea of doing anything— which as you know, always leads to something— cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything. - Jerry Seinfeld

I had a parakeet that used to fly around the house and crash into these huge mirrors my mother put in. Ever heard of this interior design principle, that a mirror makes it seem like you have an entire other room? What kind of jerk walks up to a mirror and goes, "Hey look, there's a whole other room in there. There's a guy that looks just like me in there."But the parakeet would fall for this. I'd let him out of his cage, he'd fly right into the mirror. And I'd always think, "Even if he thinks the mirror is another room, why doesn't he at least try to avoid hitting the other parakeet?" - Jerry Seinfeld

I was in front of an ambulance the other day, and I noticed that the word "ambulance" was spelled in reverse print on the hood of the ambulance. And I thought, "Well, isn't that clever." I look in the rear-view mirror, I can read the word "ambulance" behind me. Of course while you're reading, you don't see where you're going, you crash, you need an ambulance. I think they're trying to drum up some business on the way back from lunch. - Jerry Seinfeld

I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him? - Jerry Seinfeld

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. - Jerry Seinfeld

Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away. - Jerry Seinfeld

Men and women all in all, behave just like our basic sexual elements. If you watch single men on a weekend night they really act very much like sperm— all disorganized, bumping into their friends, swimming in the wrong direction. "I was first." "Let me through." "You're on my tail." "That's my spot." They're like the Three Billion Stooges. But the egg is very cool: "Well, who's it going to be? I can divide. I can wait a month. I'm not swimming anywhere." - Jerry Seinfeld

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom. - Jerry Seinfeld

Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur. - Jerry Seinfeld

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason. - Jerry Seinfeld

That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me. - Jerry Seinfeld

The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same, so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device, created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over, and she marries the next guy. - Jerry Seinfeld

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." - Jerry Seinfeld

Why do they call it a "building"? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built"? - Jerry Seinfeld

Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person? - Jerry Seinfeld

You can measure distance by time. "How far away is it?" "Oh about 20 minutes." But it doesn't work the other way. "When do you get off work?" "Around 3 miles." - Jerry Seinfeld

You know what I never get with the limo? The tinted windows. Is that so people don't see you? Yeah, what a better way not to have people notice you than taking a thirty foot Cadillac with a TV antenna and a uniformed driver. How discreet. Nobody cares who's in the limo. You see a limo go by, you know it's either some rich jerk or fifty prom kids with $1.75 each. - Jerry Seinfeld

haha.... time to hit the books.... 500 words to go before i go home.... which is far far away....